At the age of 18 I was engaged to a woman whom I thought I was going to marry. I had it all figured out and was the master of marriage; so I thought. What I have learned over the years from my relationships and from watching others, is how far off I was when I assumed that I had it all under control.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 1 Corinthians 13:11

At the time, my idea of marriage was to be with the perfect woman who will satisfy all my needs and make me happy. So I mentally put every woman through the test of “Is she marriage material? Is she everything that I want in a wife? Does she fit my perfect mold? Will she make me happy for the rest of my life?” At that was the short list!

What had been happening was that I had been listening to the worlds understanding of what a perfect wife should look like. The TV shows and movies had been filling my mind with fairy tales that seemed so real and attainable on the TV. If she could just fit that mold, than I knew it would be a happy marriage. If only she looked like the woman on TV who was beautiful and seemed like she had everything together. If she didn’t have any baggage and was always happy with the perfect attitude all the time. You name it and if she fit in the box of perfection, than when I found her I would definitely put a ring on it.

For years, I had started to build unrealistic expectations for a person who could never attain the dream marriage I was looking for. She could never reach those expectations, or even come close to that, because what I had wanted could never exist. There is a reason they call it a fairy tale and that is because it is a made up dream world to escape real life. If you don’t believe me, ask anybody who is married and they will say they had to come to a realization that the person they married, was flawed and imperfect just like themselves.

Here is what changed my desire to seek out that perfect wife. I had been comparing every girl that I ever looked at, to an expectation that they could never fit. If they were missing¬† just one of those qualities, I would move on. One day I was talking to my mentor and he said, “Why are you looking for that perfect wife when you are not perfect yourself.” He said, “Instead of trying to find that perfect wife, try being a Christ centered man and work on yourself, so when the time comes, you will be ready for marriage.”

That advice blew my mind and made so much sense! My perspective was off and I was focused on others imperfections and not seeing my own.  From that point years ago, I had to learn how to break free from comparing every potential girl I encountered, to working on myself and trying to become the man that will bless my future wife. I had to look at my character, personality, my decisions, my walk with God, and anything else, so that I could start preparing to be an amazing husband.

If you create the habit of always looking to people as not being good enough for you, that will carry into your marriage. When you create a habit of focusing on being more like Christ, you will grow to love your wife/husband more and unrealistic relationship expectations will be broken.

I hope you are encouraged by this and if you are single, start making choices and creating patterns now in your life that will benefit your future marriage. Don’t wait till you are married because then it only gets harder. Start now.

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forgiven • June 24, 2018

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